TONGUE IN CHEEK: HOW THE NAC CAN SAVE THE UPA IN 2014

The clock is ticking for the Congress and the UPA regime in India. Battered by scams and bruised by humiliating electoral defeats, the party knows that the party may be over. And that come 2014 and the Indian voter might deliver another resounding slap and perhaps even a few kicks for good measure. But then as they say, even a week is a long time in politics and desperate situations can be turned around with a bit of pluck and lots of luck. Pranab Mukherjee of course will lend more than a helping ‘Hand’. But Congress leaders know that Pranabda needs a good hand to be able to lend a helping hand. Personally, I have great admiration for the Congress, in particular for its ability to hang on to power. Since I think mere admiration may not be enough for the man ‘destined’ to be India’s Prime Minister Rahul Gandhi to actually become Prime Minister, let me do my patriotic bit by offering some free advice even to those who are beyond advice.

All my suggestions revolve around that mind blowing invention of Sonia Gandhi called the National Advisory Council (NAC). That is because advice is best given to advisors. The NAC has been a pioneer of sorts when it comes to drafting laws that resemble Midsummer Night’s Dreams. The sheer range of their imagination defies imagination. So here are a few more laws that be drafted by the NAC to help Pranabda lend a helping hand to the “Hand” in 2014:

The Motilal Nehru Bill on Lawyers and Law – Now, the great, great grandfather was a very famous and successful lawyer so it is befitting that this law be dedicated to his name. Once it is passed by the Parliament, this law will seek to monitor and regulate the behaviour of lawyers. Though the details of the proposed law are too complicated for simple folks like you to understand, let me summarise a few highlights so you get the gist and the drift. Lawyers will not be allowed to file any kind of PILs; only the aam aadmi will have that right. Lawyers like Manish Tiwari who also happens to be a Congress spokesperson can easily defend this provision and insist on idiotic TV shows that it is not at all targeted at Shanti Bhushan and Prashant Bhushan. Another lawyer P. Chidambaram who happens to be the Home Minister can always smile beatifically and insist in a stentorian tone that the provision has nothing to do with a pesky pest and fellow Tam- Brahm called Subramanyam Swamy. In fact, both the great lawyers can argue with flourish that the drivers of the Bhushans and Swamy will be entitled to file any number of PILs as long as the driver was never employed by another great lawyer named Abhishek Manu Singhvi. A corollary to this provision will be a stipulation that the drivers of any lawyer be perpetually banned from recording any secret and salacious footage.

The Jawaharlal Nehru Bill for Chinese Checkers and Whispers: Since the great grandfather was a great champion of democracy and since his place is assured even in Chinese history, it is befitting that this proposed law be named after him. This law will mark a new high in the annals of free speech and freedom. This law came as an inspiration recently to the NAC members when they stumbled across a media report that said China has banned Bloomberg because it had the temerity and the effrontery to suggest that the family of the new leader of China is worth a few hundred million dollars. That kind of story is totally against free speech and freedom. Under this law, all scams worth more than one million dollars will be exempt from media scrutiny and activist interest. In the interests of free speech, the media and activists will be required to hold loud and meaningful debates in TV studios about constables and clerks who have been arrested on charges of corruption. To protect the ability of journalists to fearlessly pursue their profession without fear or favour, this law will also stipulate that journalists will voluntarily refrain from writing about fellow journalists who get too cosy with politicians and the powers that be. All journalists who fail to comply with this freedom enhancing provision of the Jawaharlal Nehru Act will be required to read the collected works of Arundhati Roy and make sense of it. One more pathbreaking provision of this new law will stipulate that all journalists who write something positive about Narendra Modi will be automatically deported to China where positive stories are better appreciated.

The Indira Gandhi Bill for Family Planning: Since the grandmother symbolised the eternal Indian mantra that Family comes First, it is befitting that this new law be named after that great woman. Mind you, don’t start having naughty thoughts. Family Planning here is not the type of family planning that her great son Sanjay Gandhi encouraged fellow Indians to practice with a little help from cops and that fancy thing balled sterilisation. Family planning here basically means that Indians will be better prepared to prepare for a rosy future for the families after this new law comes into effect. Shorn of the legal jargon and bureaucratic mumbo jumbo, this law will stipulate that it will be mandatory for the sons and daughters of Lok Sabha and Rajya Sabha MPs to contest elections to the same seats once the parents call it a day or kick thebucket. The ungrateful and unpatriotic progeny who refuse to comply with this historic provision will be required to draft affidavits for patriotic Indians like Teesta Setalvad. Of course, accidents of history may lead to some Lok Sabha and Rajya Sabha MPs not being able to produce any progeny. In that case, the NAC will be authorised to ‘Hand’ pick a nephew or niece who fits the Bill. There is another magnificent provision in this law. Elections will continue to be held repeatedly till stupid voters see wisdom and vote unanimously for the son, daughter, niece or nephew. As a result, corruption will be completely eliminated from the country since there will be no further need to organise black money to fight elections. In any case, under the new Jawaharlal Nehru Act, all deals worth more than one million dollars will be exempt from media and activist scrutiny.

The Sanjay Gandhi Act on Gangs and Gangsters: Since it was the uncle who took historic steps to curb the menace of goons and save Indian democracy during the Emergency, it is befitting that this new law be named after the illustrious leader. This law will forever eliminate the danger of goons and gangsters from Indian society. All goons who are considered history shelters with a track record of senseless violence will be required to join the Youth Congress and stay there till they are 75 years old. If they manage to live that long, some of these patriotic Indians will be eligible to become Cabinet ministers. All patriotic Indians who have stolen millions and millions will be given the option of joining the DMK. Pickpockets will have the option of joining the RJD. This historic new law will have huge benefits which simple folks like you cannot comprehend. Since expenditures on policemen, courts, police stations and jails will be virtually eliminated, the NAC will be able to dream up new projects and schemes for the aam aadmi.

The Rajiv Gandhi Naani Yaad Dila Denge Act: Since the father immortalised the term “Naani Yaad Dila Denge” along with something called Bofors, it is befitting that this wonderful law be named after him. This is quite a straightforward law and will help India rebuild the great institution called the Indian family. Any Indian who even mistakenly says or writes anything critical about either India or the Family (It’s the same thing really) will be required to spend quality time with maternal grandmothers. This way, the institution called the family will be saved, the Family will not be embarrassed and secular warriors like Mani Shankar Aiyar will launch a series of television soap operas where the arch villain will be Narendra Modi and his arch henchman will be Baba Ramdev. Anna Hazare too will put in guest appearances.

I am convinced this new set of laws will ensure that the Indian voter does not even accidentally dispose what God has proposed – that the Yuvraj will lead India to new heights of glory.

TONGUE IN CHEEK: HOW THE NAC CAN SAVE THE UPA IN 2014

EIGHT YEARS OF UPA AND EIGHT & A HALF LESSONS

Most newspapers, magazines and television channels have been spouting wisdom and much more about 3 years of the current UPA regime. I think, it would be more honest to look at 8 years of the UPA. After all, it was in 2004 that Dr Manmohan Singh was appointed (mark my words: appointed, not elected) the Prime Minister of India. The composition of the alliance may have changed, like the Left no longer being a part of the dispensation. But the core of the UPA has remained the same over the last 8 years.

Before I write about the eight and half lessons that we Indians can draw from 8 years of the UPA regime, allow me to describe the two principal leaders of UPA. First, Sonia Gandhi. No matter what her critics say, the fact is that she has revived the Congress when it looked like all was lost and displayed more political astuteness and maturity than most other leaders. Then Manmohan Singh. No one can doubt his personal integrity and the wealth of experience he has as an administrator. Besides, no one should even begin to doubt their commitment to India.

And yet, things are in a sorry shape and the remarkable story of the rise and rise of India is now becoming one of gloom, despair and anger. Very clearly, something has gone horribly wrong. I don’t need to bore you by recounting statistics to show how badly things have gone wrong. It is crystal clear that the two top leaders of the UPA and their advisors must do something drastic, and something soon. Otherwise, the India growth story and the UPA will both be history in 2014. But before they do anything, here are eight and half lessons they can draw upon.

Lesson number one is perversely biblical – the road to hell is paved with noble intentions. Sonia Gandhi gathered together a band of highly educated, articulate and committed individuals and formed the National Advisory Council. No one doubts the sincerity of the NAC members and their noble intentions. After all, who in her right mind would refuse to accept inclusive growth as an ideal? And we all applauded initially when a landmark legislation like RTI was passed. We were less enthusiastic, but still reluctantly supportive, when it came to the NREGA. We wondered how the Food Security act would be implemented in corrupt India. We shook our heads in wonder when the Forest Act was being foisted. And the logical climax was when the horror called the Communal Violence Bill was midwifed. These noble intentions will rip apart the very fabric of Indian society. I am all for resurrecting Mother Teresa and letting her run India. But is that how you run a complex nation in the 21st century?

At least the jholawala NAC types look suitably humble, if infuriatingly sanctimonious. Lesson number two is about the so called political deal makers of the UPA, who have been insufferably smug and arrogant when it comes to dealing with opponents. Most of us remember how Congress spokesman Manish Tiwari had to go quiet for months after heaping abuse on Anna Hazare. We forget how UPA managers simply did not bother to consult any opposition party on how to tackle the movement growing around the Lokpal Bill. And do remember how leader of the opposition Sushma Swaraj protested that her opinions were rudely ignored when it came to appointing a new CVC. It was only when the Supreme Court cancelled the choice of the UPA that its arrogance was exposed. Confidence is great, insouciance is maybe ok, but arrogance usually comes back to haunt you.

The third lesson that the UPA could have learnt was from the failure of the NDA in managing allies. It was the loss of “allies” like National Conference, AGP, Telugu Desam, BJD, Trinamool Congress and the DMK that cost the NDA both power and a possible future. And yet, UPA managers have persisted with the folly of either treating allies disdainfully or bowing and scrapping to their whims and fancies. It is only the lure of power and the fear of elections that is keeping the allies in the fold. The moment they sense that the BJP – despite its suicidal tendencies – is going to benefit big time from a backlash against this regime, the allies will scatter like a flock of birds. Strangely, ally management still seems to be a huge headache for the UPA despite 8 uninterrupted years in power.

Even with disgruntled allies, the Congress and the UPA could theoretically use a trump card called populism; the way NREGA and farm loan waivers were used by UPA 1. Only a fool will say that populism never pays electoral dividends. And yet, basic economic theory teaches us something called the law of diminishing marginal utility. A voter will never mind a sop, but the more sops you throw at her, the less attractive their marginal utility. If you travelled in small town and rural India in 2008, there seemed to be genuine admiration for the NREGA. Today, you won’t find that kind of enthusiasm for Food Security and Right to Education. Hell, the voters are so angry, that they will take the sops and vote against you anyway. As the UPA strategists brainstorm about a wave of sops in the run up to 2014, they do seem to be ignoring this lesson number five.

Lesson number six is inextricably linked to the previous one – there really is no such thing called a free lunch. Someone, at some time or the other – often sooner rather than later – has to pay for it. Thanks to the initiatives of the jholawala NAC members and also thanks to vested interests, India is awash with subsidies of all kinds. We have LPG subsidies in excess of Rs.20,000 crores enjoyed mostly by middle class India. We have fertilizer subsidies in excess of Rs.80,000 crores enjoyed mostly by rich farmers and fertilizer companies. Welfare schemes have been launched by the UPA as if it is a medieval monarchy that is pleased to share a bit of the royal treasury with its restless subjects. No amount of common sense argument has convinced the jholawalas that virtually all this money is lining up the pockets of corrupt middlemen, bureaucrats and politicians. They want even more money to be thrown at the subjects. And why would vested interests voluntarily surrender subsidies? Something has to give. And it has started giving. Deficit levels in the economy are reaching alarming proportions. Perversely, this will result in even more inflation and even more misery for the poor in whose name the UPA claims to rule.

The UPA could have gotten away with ignoring lesson number six if lesson number seven had not kicked into play. And that is about how bad and arbitrary policies can kill growth. Let’s take the aviation sector. By 2005, it did appear as if an average Indian can actually take a flight. And then started a slew of arbitrary policies. Rules were rigged and transparent policy making was thrown in the dustbin. Suddenly, you find that the whole sector is in a mess and that airfares and stupid airport charges have gone up so high that flying is once again a dream for the average Indian. Then look at how the one great infrastructural leap of India – the highway modernization and construction project launched by the NDA government – has been killed by arbitrary policy making. And who can forget the mess that is the telecom sector today? Discretionary power and arbitrary policies have become the norm. Today, you ban cotton exports; tomorrow you resume them. Today you announce this rule; tomorrow you scrap it. The results are obvious. From about 9% a year, GDP growth rate is slipping to less than 7%. This is bad news not just for every Indian, but particularly so for the jholawalas. Lower growth rates means lower tax collections and lesser money to throw at subjects. And blaming the crisis in Greece for this mess is like blaming Alexander the Great for letting future invaders realize how easy it is to invade and plunder India!

And that brings us to the final lesson number 8 – the voter is not a fool. Look at the facts. The UPA lost miserably in Bihar. It won West Bengal, but thanks mainly to Mamata Bannerjee. It barely won a majority in Kerala despite an unpopular Left government. It was decimated in Tamil Nadu. It was decimated in Uttar Pradesh. It just about managed to form a government in Uttarakhand despite massive incumbency. And the Akali Dal-BJP combine was swept back to power in Punjab. In a few weeks time, bye lections to 18 assembly seats in Andhra Pradesh will deliver another body blow. Arresting Jagan Mohan Reddy is not going to change that. The bells are tolling. But is anybody in the UPA listening?

I speak about eight and a half lessons. The half is about that half empty glass – or should I say petrol tank?

EIGHT YEARS OF UPA AND EIGHT & A HALF LESSONS