Wednesday, July 4, 2012

TONGUE IN CHEEK: HOW THE NAC CAN SAVE THE UPA IN 2014

The clock is ticking for the Congress and the UPA regime in India. Battered by scams and bruised by humiliating electoral defeats, the party knows that the party may be over. And that come 2014 and the Indian voter might deliver another resounding slap and perhaps even a few kicks for good measure. But then as they say, even a week is a long time in politics and desperate situations can be turned around with a bit of pluck and lots of luck. Pranab Mukherjee of course will lend more than a helping ‘Hand’. But Congress leaders know that Pranabda needs a good hand to be able to lend a helping hand. Personally, I have great admiration for the Congress, in particular for its ability to hang on to power. Since I think mere admiration may not be enough for the man ‘destined’ to be India’s Prime Minister Rahul Gandhi to actually become Prime Minister, let me do my patriotic bit by offering some free advice even to those who are beyond advice.

All my suggestions revolve around that mind blowing invention of Sonia Gandhi called the National Advisory Council (NAC). That is because advice is best given to advisors. The NAC has been a pioneer of sorts when it comes to drafting laws that resemble Midsummer Night’s Dreams. The sheer range of their imagination defies imagination. So here are a few more laws that be drafted by the NAC to help Pranabda lend a helping hand to the “Hand” in 2014:

The Motilal Nehru Bill on Lawyers and Law – Now, the great, great grandfather was a very famous and successful lawyer so it is befitting that this law be dedicated to his name. Once it is passed by the Parliament, this law will seek to monitor and regulate the behaviour of lawyers. Though the details of the proposed law are too complicated for simple folks like you to understand, let me summarise a few highlights so you get the gist and the drift. Lawyers will not be allowed to file any kind of PILs; only the aam aadmi will have that right. Lawyers like Manish Tiwari who also happens to be a Congress spokesperson can easily defend this provision and insist on idiotic TV shows that it is not at all targeted at Shanti Bhushan and Prashant Bhushan. Another lawyer P. Chidambaram who happens to be the Home Minister can always smile beatifically and insist in a stentorian tone that the provision has nothing to do with a pesky pest and fellow Tam- Brahm called Subramanyam Swamy. In fact, both the great lawyers can argue with flourish that the drivers of the Bhushans and Swamy will be entitled to file any number of PILs as long as the driver was never employed by another great lawyer named Abhishek Manu Singhvi. A corollary to this provision will be a stipulation that the drivers of any lawyer be perpetually banned from recording any secret and salacious footage.

The Jawaharlal Nehru Bill for Chinese Checkers and Whispers: Since the great grandfather was a great champion of democracy and since his place is assured even in Chinese history, it is befitting that this proposed law be named after him. This law will mark a new high in the annals of free speech and freedom. This law came as an inspiration recently to the NAC members when they stumbled across a media report that said China has banned Bloomberg because it had the temerity and the effrontery to suggest that the family of the new leader of China is worth a few hundred million dollars. That kind of story is totally against free speech and freedom. Under this law, all scams worth more than one million dollars will be exempt from media scrutiny and activist interest. In the interests of free speech, the media and activists will be required to hold loud and meaningful debates in TV studios about constables and clerks who have been arrested on charges of corruption. To protect the ability of journalists to fearlessly pursue their profession without fear or favour, this law will also stipulate that journalists will voluntarily refrain from writing about fellow journalists who get too cosy with politicians and the powers that be. All journalists who fail to comply with this freedom enhancing provision of the Jawaharlal Nehru Act will be required to read the collected works of Arundhati Roy and make sense of it. One more pathbreaking provision of this new law will stipulate that all journalists who write something positive about Narendra Modi will be automatically deported to China where positive stories are better appreciated.

The Indira Gandhi Bill for Family Planning: Since the grandmother symbolised the eternal Indian mantra that Family comes First, it is befitting that this new law be named after that great woman. Mind you, don’t start having naughty thoughts. Family Planning here is not the type of family planning that her great son Sanjay Gandhi encouraged fellow Indians to practice with a little help from cops and that fancy thing balled sterilisation. Family planning here basically means that Indians will be better prepared to prepare for a rosy future for the families after this new law comes into effect. Shorn of the legal jargon and bureaucratic mumbo jumbo, this law will stipulate that it will be mandatory for the sons and daughters of Lok Sabha and Rajya Sabha MPs to contest elections to the same seats once the parents call it a day or kick thebucket. The ungrateful and unpatriotic progeny who refuse to comply with this historic provision will be required to draft affidavits for patriotic Indians like Teesta Setalvad. Of course, accidents of history may lead to some Lok Sabha and Rajya Sabha MPs not being able to produce any progeny. In that case, the NAC will be authorised to ‘Hand’ pick a nephew or niece who fits the Bill. There is another magnificent provision in this law. Elections will continue to be held repeatedly till stupid voters see wisdom and vote unanimously for the son, daughter, niece or nephew. As a result, corruption will be completely eliminated from the country since there will be no further need to organise black money to fight elections. In any case, under the new Jawaharlal Nehru Act, all deals worth more than one million dollars will be exempt from media and activist scrutiny.

The Sanjay Gandhi Act on Gangs and Gangsters: Since it was the uncle who took historic steps to curb the menace of goons and save Indian democracy during the Emergency, it is befitting that this new law be named after the illustrious leader. This law will forever eliminate the danger of goons and gangsters from Indian society. All goons who are considered history shelters with a track record of senseless violence will be required to join the Youth Congress and stay there till they are 75 years old. If they manage to live that long, some of these patriotic Indians will be eligible to become Cabinet ministers. All patriotic Indians who have stolen millions and millions will be given the option of joining the DMK. Pickpockets will have the option of joining the RJD. This historic new law will have huge benefits which simple folks like you cannot comprehend. Since expenditures on policemen, courts, police stations and jails will be virtually eliminated, the NAC will be able to dream up new projects and schemes for the aam aadmi.

The Rajiv Gandhi Naani Yaad Dila Denge Act: Since the father immortalised the term “Naani Yaad Dila Denge” along with something called Bofors, it is befitting that this wonderful law be named after him. This is quite a straightforward law and will help India rebuild the great institution called the Indian family. Any Indian who even mistakenly says or writes anything critical about either India or the Family (It’s the same thing really) will be required to spend quality time with maternal grandmothers. This way, the institution called the family will be saved, the Family will not be embarrassed and secular warriors like Mani Shankar Aiyar will launch a series of television soap operas where the arch villain will be Narendra Modi and his arch henchman will be Baba Ramdev. Anna Hazare too will put in guest appearances.

I am convinced this new set of laws will ensure that the Indian voter does not even accidentally dispose what God has proposed – that the Yuvraj will lead India to new heights of glory.

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1 comment:

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