TIME FOR A NEW LOOK CABINET

The manner in which the chattering class is reacting to the massive corruption that is being unearthed in the run up to the Common ‘wealth’ Games can be described in two ways: it is either charmingly naïve or disarmingly sanctimonious. Either ways, we again hear clarion calls from all and sundry on the need to change the ‘system’. Since change should begin at the top, here is a new look Union Cabinet that Manmohan Singh can wave at the nation with a brief mention of some key ministers and ministries:

• Lalit Modi becomes the Union Finance Minister. I don’t know what will happen to India’s finances (Though I guess you can take a guess!). But one thing is for sure. Hundreds of millions of Indians will start watching the Lok Sabha TV channel because cheerleaders from South Africa with micro mini skirts will start dancing on the aisle of the Parliament.

• Suresh Kalmadi becomes the Union Minister of Mines. This will ensure that his team of officials, advisors, friends and partners will think that all of India is an open cast mine and start digging up everything, everywhere. The aam aadmi is anyway used to the mountains of dirt that will start flying all over.

• Vijay Mallya becomes the Union Foreign Minister. His fellow Karnataka citizen S.M. Krishna may have mucked it all up. But he will be different. The moment Shah Mahmood Qureshi-the Foreign Minister of Pakistan starts opening his ‘loud’ mouth, Mallya will unveil the latest Kingfisher calendar. That will lead not only to peace, but also a jaw dropping spectacle. Who knows, even the Taliban might decide that women in Afghanistan can go without veils.

• Arundhati Roy becomes the Union Home Minister. The first thing she will do is send Digvijay Singh on a Marco Polo like journey to discover the ‘root causes’. Then she will join the Gandhians with Guns in the jungles of Chattisgarh and draft a new internal security doctrine. The primary objective of the doctrine will be that at least 100 security personnel are killed every week in ambushes. Of course she won't be satisfied with that. She will have the Gandhians with Guns chop off the limbs of those who dare oppose her visions of a pastoral paradise. Since she has since long seceded from the Indian Republic, she won’t even have to take the oath of office.

• Mamata Bannerjee becomes the Union Civil Aviation Minister. I don’t know what you will do, but I will surely rediscover the joys and ecstasies of traveling by train.

• Lalu Prasad Yadav becomes the Union Surface Transport Minister. All Indian roads will start looking like Hema Malini’s cheeks. And there will be no question of any tongue in cheek.

• Prakash Karat becomes special envoy to America. Since many Americans are anyway convinced that Barack Obama is a closet Marxist, Karat will do wonders to Indo-American relations.

And of course, Manmohan Singh doffs his hat to the Union Agriculture & Food Minister Sharad Pawar for his scintillating performance and announces that he is stepping down, to be replaced by the Maratha strongman as the Prime Minister. I don’t know about you; but I have a sneaking feeling that Lalit Modi will be grateful.

TIME FOR A NEW LOOK CABINET

SADO MASOCHISM : QURESHI & KRISHNA ...

You got it right. When it comes to the impossible task of dealing with Pakistan, a hack can always fall back upon a dictionary full of clichés and yet have room for some of the more tired ones. The one I have stumbled upon this time gives a slightly wicked twist to that old one about hoping for the best. When it comes to Pakistan, it is high time (another damn cliché!) that India hopes for the worse and is prepared for the worst. The real reason for this conclusion is based upon another old one: those who forget history are condemned to repeat it. And yes, we in India are on the verge of repeating history in a manner that will only confuse, befuddle and eventually humiliate the nation.

Look at what happened recently in Islamabad when the former Chief Minister of Karnataka and former Governor of Maharashtra and current Foreign Minister S.M Krishna was holding ‘peace’ talks with his Pakistani counterpart S.M Qureshi. I still fail to understand how the word ‘peace’ is so badly misused and rammed into the agenda of talks between India and Pakistan. I mean, both you and I know that the real chances of peace (at least if you interpret the word honestly) between India and Pakistan are more remote than Rahul Gandhi joining the BJP – as long as the existing ruling establishment in Pakistan rules the roost (another damn cliché!). What happened in Islamabad was predictable, if you know your history. The Foreign Minister of Pakistan was least interested in ‘peace’; his agenda was to play to the gallery (oops, another one!) – a gallery that seats the ruling military establishment and its principal strategic ally, the group of Jehadi outfits whose declared aim is the destruction of India. Semantics about whether Qureshi broke diplomatic protocol and niceties and whether Krishna should have given a fitting reply are useless; the problem is, we persist with the vain hope that Pakistan might one day stop giving two hoots about niceties when it comes to India.

The second decade of the 21st century looks ominously similar to the last decade of the 20th century when the retreating Soviet Union left a vacuum in Afghanistan. It is a matter of time before American and NATO forces will do something similar in this decade. In both cases, the ruling military establishment of Pakistan had, and has, strong and credible reasons to be convinced that its policy of forging a strategic alliance with the Jehadis is paying spectacular dividends. Despite tall talk from America and feigned bluster from the generals in Islamabad, the fact of the matter is that Pakistan has never severed its ties with Jehadi groups even after 9/11.

And now, when the generals in Islamabad sense an opportunity to once again acquire strategic depth in Afghanistan a la the 1990s, it makes no sense for them to stop mollycoddling the Jehadis, particularly the ones that are most viciously disposed towards India. So please stop nursing silly notions of our neighbour actually dispensing justice and punishing those guilty of 26/11. In fact, they will be rewarded.

And brace for more terrible terror attacks as this decade progresses.

SADO MASOCHISM : QURESHI & KRISHNA ...